I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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