There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
