Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
