Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
