why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The air taste purple.
Randomize
