I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
