I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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