I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
