i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
