grandma shit on top of the toilet
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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