one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
