Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
