Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
