I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
