You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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