so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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