my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
