I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
