Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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