haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
