Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
