I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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