Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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