at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
