chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
