Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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