My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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