sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize