I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
