so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
