Just cropdusted the office
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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