When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
