He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
