we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
