Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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