i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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