I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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