then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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