he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
