so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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