I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
