Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I stole a fireplace last night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
