My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
