he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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