just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
