Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
