She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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