My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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