Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dicks are not precious.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
