Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
