Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
