I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
