absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
