Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
