she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
