my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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